after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize