he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
