Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
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