2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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