you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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