Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
