there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
