just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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