Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
