i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
