Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
