...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
