You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
