if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
