Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
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I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
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I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize