Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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