i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
