I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
