if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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