when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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