I'm so fucking centered right now
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
