If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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