he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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