We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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