Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
ok first of all what the fuck
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
