If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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