thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
