she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
