Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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