Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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