I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
