Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize