her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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