Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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