my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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