She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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