I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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