you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
