Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize