I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
