some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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