No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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