someone get that fucking seahorse.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
