I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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