I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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