Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
