i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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