I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He kissed a someone with a penis
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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