someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
They left me at home... I'm a liability
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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