i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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