You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Randomize
