and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
