areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
