Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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