An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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