omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
