Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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