He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You dont lie about slip and slides
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
