I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just threw up on my dentist
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
