And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
