I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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