Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
