I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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