i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
