hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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