I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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