chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
