Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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