it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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