I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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